*

 

 

I got this guilt about not holding up my end of the conversation. I feel like I can’t make the effort of it. I know I’m supposed to, but right now I just won’t.

 

*

 

But I’ll still say my piece, and trust you’ll understand. Maybe you won’t leave out of here  , although I am sometimes a poor host.

 

*

 

 

*

 

Life. Last night the woman and I had one of those nice long talks, late into the night, lying together in our big, white bed, under fresh sheets, as moonlight came in through one of the windows in our sanctuary, and it was a long, tender moment that held everything that is most precious about a marriage. That intimacy that has no equal. The unburdening. The warmth and trust. The wrestling with the big and small problems, and the doing of it together. Untangling the knots in the twisted fabric of our lives, smoothing out the wrinkles, taking a moment to look at the big picture.

 

As we were talking there was a moment when I felt my body just evaporate and I didn’t feel any boundary at all between my self and the limitless cosmos. My problems were just my problems, my victories and failures just my tiny victories and failures, of no importance to anyone else or to the vast machinery of the void, but neither was I alone in it. All the little conglomerations of atoms are busy doing something. Doing what’s called for in the moment. Getting smashed, or turning into fuel, or falling into a black hole, or drifting alone in the cold silence of empty space, or going to the store for more milk.

It lasted only a brief moment, but it sent chills through me.

 

*

 

We were talking about how it used to be that things were good, or things were bad, but now it seems that things are all jumbled up and the good things and the terrible things are all happening at once.

 

The streams are crossing.

 

*

 

And we talked about this scene from American Beauty:

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.

 

*

 

It’s corny, I know.

 

But I am a sucker for it all the same.

 

*

 

I hope that you are well, and happy, and that you have the opportunity to give the love inside of you to the world at large, and to do it without reservation. And I hope you go down swinging.

 

***

 

 

Namaste.

 

 

***