Illusion does not mean haziness, confusion, or mirage. Being a child of illusion means that you continue what you have experienced in your sitting practice [resting in the nature of alaya] into postmeditation experience.
You realize that after sitting practice, you do not have to solidify phenomena. Instead, you can continue your practice and develop some kind of ongoing awareness. If things become heavy and solid, you flash mindfulness and awareness into them. In that way you begin to see that everything is pliable and workable. Your attitude is that the phenomenal world is not evil, that ‘they’ are not out to get you or kill you. Everything is workable and soothing.
It’s a very strong phrase, ‘child of illusion’. Think of it. Try to be one. You have plenty of opportunities.
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
***
When I was in school I remember my science teacher explaining how if you put, say, a chair, at the top of a glacier, if you left it there and came back in a few years it would be down at the bottom of the glacier, or out to sea on an iceberg. What looks solid, what looks like the most frozen, stable, immobile mass of ice is actually flowing just like a river.
This reverberated in me at the time and the reverberation still echoes. Like a bell that sounds for a lifetime.
Who knows why it struck me as it did, but I’m grateful for it and grateful for the image. I bring this up this morning because that way of seeing things is going on in everything I look at right now. I feel my “self” as this one frame in a time-lapse image that includes me as an infant, as a toddler, as a child, a young man, a man man, an old man, a dead man. And I am putting on a shirt that used to be cotton growing in a field and now I’m wearing it and then it will go to Goodwill or my wife will sew it into a quilt that years from now some stranger will use to wrap their dog up in when they bury it. And I’m getting in a car that used to be all over the place, in the ground, in factories, on a car lot, and will someday be in a crusher in some junkyard and maybe it will be uncovered by erosion years after it was buried in dust and silt and some new creature will stub its toe on it. And the street signs. And the streets. And everyone behind the wheel of their cars on their way to jobs that used to not exist and someday won’t again, and now there are babies driving to work and children and old people and dead bodies rotting and skeleton and dust and nothing at all driving and on and on.
Everything describing this parabolic arc from becoming to being to unbecoming, rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall, rising into the air glittering and falling back into non-being with a soundless splash. You and me, him and her, all of us, everything, all the time.
Hard to imagine getting worked up over any one moment of it.
It’s fucking beautiful, is what.
***
Another thing I forgot to say yesterday about Khaydroup’s teaching, and this one is really good I think, really beneficial. Here it is:
You don’t have to do anything to make the changes that practice brings. You don’t have to accomplish these changes by will power or intelligence or doing it the right way.
The beauty and power and magic of the practice is that it does what it does without your interference.
You do have to set the conditions, though. You have to do the work, you have to get on the cushion and keep doing that, keep following the instructions, keep tweaking them, experimenting with them, evaluating your experience, checking in, adjusting, but that’s it, really. You don’t have to know how to change the quality and nature of your mind- practice takes care of that by itself.
You just keep bringing the practice in.
So.
***
In ngondro the first practice is taking refuge and prostrations, and in prostration practice you are working with the body and mindstream together and the mindstream part is this intricate visualization of the refuge tree- you imagine this big tree in the middle of a lake in front of you, and the tree is filled with the lineage masters and Buddhas and bodhisattvas, all the whole shebang, and then you imagine yourself in front of the tree doing your prostrations and chanting as you, you know, actually do your prostrations and chant. But you are not alone in this imagery. You imagine all sentient beings in human form doing this activity with you. Your mother and father, your family, everyone you know, and right in front are all of your enemies and those who have done you wrong- they get the special place of honor.
Anyway, after you finish, you dissolve the whole refuge tree into light and that light then dissolves into you. Then you do some tonglen practice, sending and receiving, where you inhale and take on all of the suffering of every being- here on earth and everywhere else, in every realm, and you send out healing light to them in exchange.
I mention all of this just to say that it is really mind altering to expand in this way, to put everything good and wise and perfect out in front of you like a giant Christmas tree and everything bad and terrible, too, everything and it goes “outside” of you and then it comes “inside” of you, you are the tiny supplicant, then you are what is supplicated to, you are, you become, for a moment, what you really are, which is everything.
I keep feeling it like bending a piece of steel, back and forth, this way, then that way, this way, then that way.
You begin to feel things heating up at that point where the steel is bending, becoming malleable. You sense things can’t continue to stay connected in quite the way you were used to anymore.
I feel a bit like a window. Or a hollow tube that flexes itself inside out again and again. I feel a bit like everything that is.
You can begin to get a sense that things are limitless.
***
I miss my wife, off on her big adventure with the monk. But I’m happy that our daughter is home again with the grandbabies, happy that I can be of service, that I can help her in her time of need, that they can be provided for. And happy beyond caring to be back with Kaleb, in all of his perfect boyness.
I want to be used up but I am limitless. Wear me away and I keep regenerating.
***
May you be happy, may you be at peace, may your suffering come to an end.
So this weekend Khaydroup was giving a teaching on “The Progressive Stages of Meditation” or the Anapatasatti Sutta and she said a few things which struck me in a new way and I wanted to talk about them a little bit and to explore my thinking and understanding around them. You may be excused if you don’t have any interest in this topic, but please come back to class before third period begins so I don’t get in trouble with Mr. Slanson, thank you.
One of this difficulties in attending teachings and working with them is that they are unavoidably filtered through the medium of our own cognition- in other words, I don’t actually receive the teachings in pure form- I get only a rough approximation of them- really, I hear what I want to hear or what I’m ready to hear, and the rest remains unavailable to me. So please don’t think that what I’m talking about is really what’s in the teachings in a pure way- it’s just what’s left after I get through leaving out most of what’s important. But, still, it’s valid to take in what you can and really process that- otherwise, you know, it’s a lost cause.
Okay, enough disclaimers.
1. “Human beings hate suffering, but we love the causes of suffering.” This was a quote from someone, I think one of Khaydroup’s teachers, but I didn’t catch the name. This little gem describes my predicament pretty succinctly. It’s the grossest part of our confusion, I think, this grasping on to the causes of suffering thinking that they will actually make us happy. Instead, they reliably set up the conditions for our continued suffering. Even once we begin to catch on to what we’re doing, we still think there’s an exception when it comes to our behavior.
There is not.
2. She was talking about how in meditation there is the mindfulness of the body first, then mindfulness of feeling, then mindfulness of emotion- and how if you just watch that progression you can begin to understand how emotion is kind of an end stage manifestation of something arising earlier and not a thing in itself. We have a physical sensation first, then we have a reaction to that sensation, we either like it or we don’t like it or we’re neutral about it. And how if we’re able to remain mindful then when the mental formations of emotion begin to assemble, we don’t have to buy in to them as solidly real in any way- they are just the natural activity of mind, manifesting in response to causes and conditions.
Anyway, she explained how we can have this feeling of sadness, say, that begins as a sensation, we then react to that sensation with aversion, we don’t like it, it’s bad, it’s unpleasant and we don’t want it, and then the mental formation of sadness assembles into this thing and we feed it and make it grow and make it into something solid with our own attention to it. And so it doesn’t collapse on its own, it doesn’t shift into something else, it maintains itself and we begin to shift our behavior and our thoughts and our whole awareness in relation to that mental formation of an emotion. And that’s really a mindless, knee-jerk reaction, but it need not be. It can be interrupted and broken down by merely being aware of what it is and what’s happening.
And this made sense to me, I do this all the time with negative emotions, but it was the next step that I had never really explored and that really blew me away. Happiness is the same thing.
Happiness is the same thing.
Happiness, as an emotion, begins as this physical sensation. Then there’s a reaction to it, there’s this feeling- hey, I like this, I want this to keep going, I want more of it. And then we’re off to the races. We build this up, we make it into a whole solid thing, and begin to shift our words, actions, thoughts, and behaviors toward supporting this new formation, making it stick around, not letting it be taken from us. But, invariably, it is taken from us. It does shift, the mental formation collapses altogether. And then another one arises. But we still want that formation of happiness to be there, to be the one solid thing, and it isn’t, and then we’re on to the negative emotions, over and over.
So this understanding really helped me to see my own myopic view- I’ve been pretty willing to do away with unhappiness, but I still cling to happiness. I still don’t see anything wrong with it. Or, at least, I didn’t until now.
And I don’t think this means all kinds of happiness, or any good feeling at all, because there is a deep joy, a bliss, that is the state in which advanced meditators exist- but one that is grounded in equanimity. It is a deeper, oceanic experience I think than this simple “happiness” which is perhaps more like the waves on the surface.
And so what? What does this mean on a practical level?
Well, for me, it means that I’m suddenly feeling much more aware of how much of my suffering really is caused by this chasing after “feeling better.” Right? I am pretty sure that beer or two is going to remove my unhappiness and replace it with feelings of happiness. And, really, usually, it does. Mission complete! Happiness on scene!
But that relief is so short-lived, and it brings with it all of these negative consequences, a whole train of physical, mental, and emotional sufferings- some subtle, some less so. Same with procrastination, or eating too much, watching Netflix instead of getting to the cushion- all of these are really just my mind trying to get comfortable and not really understanding what it’s actually doing, what the results are going to be.
I hate suffering, but I’m in love with the causes.
Ha.
So, I think this is such good news. I hope the understanding has an effect on my thinking and my behavior. I believe it will.
3. This third thing isn’t really related to Khaydroup’s teaching, it’s from Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche’s teaching I watched over the same weekend.
Near the end he talks about what giving up the ego is like in the most beautiful way. (Okay, I think maybe not this video, but one from this series. Anyway, it can’t hurt to watch this one and take in what he’s saying.)
So he’s talking about giving up the ego and for us it’s like a child at the pool, terrified, grasping at the ladder on the side of the pool- we want to stay safe, we want very much to stick with what we know, what we understand, what we’re used to. And it’s terrifying to let go of solid land! It’s definitely not safe! There’s nothing to hold us up, to protect us, to keep us from drowning!
And what we learn to do is like learning how to swim, when we give up the ego, when we give up solid ground- yes, it’s true, there’s not solid ground we can rest on anymore, it’s gone- but we can swim, we can enjoy this much greater level of freedom and ease that egolessness can provide.
It hit me in a visceral way as being exactly correct, it aligned with my own experience and I think it’s a beautiful way to express what’s being asked of us.
So.
***
This week I watched a Frontline on the holocaust and another one on the Syrian war that showed the aftermath of the chemical weapons use by Assad’s forces. Sarin gas. All of these dead babies, little children, a room just full of them. Adults, too. Suffocated by lung paralysis. Terrible way to die.
And the images of the thousands of dead and near dead in the camps in Germany.
I don’t know what to do about it, about any of it, but it’s been a powerful activator of my own bodhichitta. I see the dead body of everyone I encounter as vividly as I see their living body, and I know that they are the same thing. Our time is brief, our suffering is endless.
And I’m not trying to fix anything here. I simply want to see it all. I want to attend to everything.
And give whatever I have, whatever I am, towards easing that suffering for everyone.
***
The other thing that’s happening in my own small awareness is that I really have the experience, the feeling, that none of us is limited in space or time. We’re limited in our perception, but our actions, our thoughts and words and deeds, ripple ever outward, interlacing with everything that ever is or ever will be. Our thoughts are things in a way that things aren’t even.
So, you know, your prayers are important. Your thoughts are important. Your compassion is important. Don’t be fooled because it doesn’t seem to be having an effect.
It most certainly is.
***
Okay, class is over. Wait for the bell before you guys run out into the hallway, and don’t forget next week everybody has to bring in a picture they drew of their favorite person!
Namo Guruve. This style of supplication called Calling the Guru from Afar is known by everyone. Nevertheless, the key point for invoking the guru’s blessing is devotion inspired by disenchantment and renunciation, not as mere platitude but from the core of your heart, from the very marrow of your bones. Chant the song melodiously with the confidence of having resolved that your own guru is none other than the Awakened One.
Guru, think of me.
Kind root guru, think of me.
Essence of the Buddhas of the three times,
Source of the sublime Dharma of statements and realization,
Sovereign of the sangha, the assembly of noble ones,
Root guru think of me.
Great treasure of blessings and compassion,
Source of the two siddhis,
Enlightened activity that grants all wishes,
Root guru think of me.
Guru Boundless Light, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of the unconstructed dharmakaya.
lead me, wandering throughout samsara because of my evil actions,
To rebirth in your pure land of Great Bliss.
Guru mighty Avalokiseshvara, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of luminous sambhogakaya.
Completely pacify the suffering of the six classes of beings
And churn the three realms of samsara from their depths.
Guru Padmasambhava, think of me.
Regard me from Chamara, the realm of Lotus Light.
As I am without refuge in this dark age,
Protect your helpless disciple with your swift compassion.
Guru Yeshe Tsogyal, think of me.
Regard me from the celestial city of great bliss.
Though I have done much evil,
Free me from the ocean of existence into the great city of liberation.
Lineage gurus of the Kama and Terma, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of the unified wakefulness,
In my mind, a cave dark with confusion,
Make the sun of realization dawn.
Omniscient Drimey Ozer, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of the five lights of spontaneous presence.
Having perfected the great strength of realizing primordial purity
Help me reach culmination in the four visions.
Peerless Lord Atisha, father and sons, think of me.
Regard me from Tushita while surrounded by hundreds of deities.
Cause bodhichitta, emptiness suffused with compassion,
To arise within my mind.
Supreme siddhas, Marpa, Milarepa, and Gampopa, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space of indestructible great bliss.
Help me to attain the supreme siddhi of Mahamudra, empty bliss,
And awaken dharmakaya in the depths of my heart.
Mighty lord of this world, Karmapa, think of me.
Regard me, from the basic space, taming beings to the reaches of space.
Help me realize that all phenomena are false, mere illusions.
Cause experiences to arise as the three kayas.
Masters of the four great and eight lesser Kagyu lineages, think of me.
Regard me from the Buddha field of pure personal experience.
Having dissolved the confusion of the four states,
Lead me to the end of experience and realization.
Five Sakya forefathers, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of samsara and nirvana indivisible.
Combining the pure view, meditation and conduct,
Lead me along the supreme path of secrets.
Unequalled masters of the Shangpa Kagyu, think of me.
Regard me from the Buddha realm of total purity.
By properly practicing means and liberation,
Enable me to discover the unity beyond learning.
Mahasiddha Tangtong Gyalpo, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of effortless compassion.
By practicing the discipline of realizing the absence of concrete reality,
Enable me to master prana and mind.
Only father, Dampa Sangye, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space which accomplishes the supreme activity.
With the lineage blessings entering my heart,
Cause auspicious connections to arise in all directions.
Only mother, Machik Labdron, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of prajnaparamita.
Cutting through the subtle pretense of clinging to a self,
May I see the truth of the simplicity beyond self.
Omniscient Dolpo Sangye, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space endowed with the supreme of all aspects.
Having stilled the breath of transference within the central channel,
May I attain the vajra body beyond transference.
Jetsun Taranatha, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space of the three companions.
Having travelled the secret vajra path unimpeded,
May I accomplish the celestial rainbow body.
Terchen Chokgyur Lingpa, think of me.
Regard me from the all-pervasive realm of dharmakaya.
Having let dualistic thought dissolve into the state of non-arising,
May I re-assume the seat of natural awareness.
Orgyen Dechen Lingpa, think of me.
Regard me from the self-luminous realm of sambhogakaya.
Enable me to realize, beyond abandonment and attainment,
The great spontaneous presence of the five kayas and wisdoms.
All-pervasive Shikpo Lingpa, think of me.
Regard me from the compassionate state of taming beings.
Discovering the jewel of mind within myself,
May the fruition be perfected within the ground.
Sempa Padma Nyugu, think of me.
Look upon me from the realm of the Magical Net.
May I be inseparable from the supreme wisdom king,
The sovereign of the four kayas.
Jamyang Khyentse Wangpo, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space of the wisdom of two-fold knowledge.
Dispelling the mental darkness of unknowing,
May I spread the light of supreme knowledge.
Osel Trulpey Dorje, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of five-colored rainbow lights.
Having purified the stains of essences, winds and perception,
May I awaken within the youthful vase body.
Pema Do-Ngak Lingpa, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of unchanging empty bliss.
Grant me the ability to completely fulfill
All intentions of the victorious ones and their heirs.
Ngawang Yonten Gyatso, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of the unity of basic space and wisdom.
Rending my clinging to an apparent reality,
May I bring whatever arises onto the path.
Son of the victorious one, Lodro Thaye, think of me.
Regard me from the expanse of loving-kindness and compassion.
Knowing all beings to be my kind parents,
May I acquire a pure, altruistic heart.
Pema Gargyi Wangchuk, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space of luminous great bliss.
Having liberated the five poisons into the five wisdoms,
May I destroy the duality of loss and gain.
Tennyi Yungdrung Lingpa, think of me.
Regard me from the basic space in which existence and peace are equal.
Genuine devotion having grown in my mind,
May the great realization and liberation be simultaneous.
Bokar, mighty Vajradhara, think of me.
Regard me from the supreme realm of Akanishtha.
Having realized all apparent phenomena as Mahamudra,
May I attain non-meditation, the dharmakaya.
Kind root guru, think of me.
Regard me from the crown of my head, the abode of great bliss.
Having met dharmakaya, natural awareness, face to face,
May I accomplish Buddhahood in a single lifetime.
Alas! Sentient beings like me, with negative karma and evil deeds,
Have wandered in samsara from beginningless time.
I continue to experience endless suffering,
But I never feel even the briefest moment of regret.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me that renunciation may arise from the depths of my heart.
Though having attained the freedoms and riches I squander my life,
Always preoccupied by the pointless affairs of this world.
When applying myself to the great pursuit of liberation, I am overcome by laziness.
As I return from the island of jewels empty-handed,
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me that my human life may become meaningful.
Not a single life on earth escapes death,
Even now, they pass away one after the other.
Soon, I too must die. I am a fool, think that I will remain forever.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me so that with no time to waste, I will curtail my plans.
I will be separated from each of my loved ones.
All the valuables I have hoarded will be enjoyed by others.
Even this body which I hold so dear will be left behind.
And, within the bardo, my consciousness will wander aimlessly throughout samsara.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me that I may realize the futility of it all.
The black darkness of fear confronts me.
The fierce gale of karma pursues me.
The lord of death’s hideous thugs club and beat me.
Having to endure the unbearable sufferings of negative rebirths,
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me that I may be liberated from the abyss of the lower realms.
My faults are as large as a mountain, but I conceal them within me.
Though others’ faults are as small as a sesame seed I proclaim them far and wide.
Though I lack the least of qualities, I boast about how great I am.
I call myself a Dharma practitioner but behave to the contrary.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me to pacify my selfish pride.
Within, I conceal my nemesis- the demon of ego-clinging.
All my thoughts only cause disturbing emotions to increase.
All my actions result in non-virtue.
As I have not so much as turned towards the path of liberation,
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Bless me that self-grasping be severed at the root.
Just a little praise or blame makes me happy or sad.
A mere harsh word causes me to lose my armor of patience.
Even when I see helpless ones, compassion does not arise.
When needy people come to me, I am tied up by a knot of greed.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that my mind blends with the dharma.
I hold dearly to futile samsara.
For the sake of food and clothing, I completely abandon lasting goals.
Though I have everything I need, I constantly want more and more.
MY mind is duped by insubstantial and illusory things.
Guru, think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I dismiss concern for this life.
I cannot endure even the slightest physical or mental pain,
Yet I am so stubborn that I have no fear of falling into the lower realms.
Though I actually see the inevitability of cause and effect,
I still do not act virtuously but increase my wealth of evil.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that conviction in karma arises in me.
I hate my enemies and cling to my friends.
Groping in dark delusion as to what to accept and reject,
When practicing the Dharma, I fall prey to dullness and sleep.
When involved in non-Dharma, my senses are clear and sharp.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I conquer my enemy, the emotions.
From the outside, I look like an authentic Dharma practitioner,
But inside, my mind is not mixed with the Dharma.
Like a poisonous snake, emotions are concealed within me.
When I encounter difficulties, the signs of a bad practitioner are revealed.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I can tame my own mind.
Failing to notice my own shortcomings,
Pretending to be spiritual, I am anything but.
Naturally skilled in negative emotions and karma,
Again and again good intentions arise, again and again they come to naught.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I might see my own faults.
As each day passes, I come nearer and nearer to death.
As each day passes, my heart becomes ever more callused.
While following a teacher my devotion gradually fades,
And my love and pure perception towards my Dharma friends diminish.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I tame my wild nature.
I take refuge, engender bodhichitta, and supplicate,
But devotion and compassion are not felt deep within my heart.
Since I give lip service to dharmic action and spiritual practice,
They become routine and don’t touch me.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that whatever I do becomes Dharma.
All suffering arises from wanting my own happiness.
Although it is said that Buddhahood is accomplished by wanting to help others,
Though I engender bodhichitta, secretly my aims are selfish.
Not only do I not benefit others, I casually cause them harm.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I exchange myself for others.
Although my guru is the Buddha actually manifest, I think of him as simply human.
I forget his kindness in imparting the profound instructions.
If he doesn’t give me what I want, I lose faith.
I obscure myself by seeing his behavior through doubts and disdain.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that my devotion may not fade but grow.
Although my mind is the Buddha, I don’t recognize it.
Although my discursive thoughts are the dharmakaya, I don’t realize it.
There is an unfabricated natural state but I cannot keep to it.
Letting be is the way things are but I don’t believe it.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that natural awareness is liberated into itself.
Although death is sure to come, I can’t take it to heart.
Although applying the genuine Dharma is sure to help, I am unable to practice it.
Although the law of karma is certainly true, I do not act properly.
Although mindfulness is surely needed, I don’t apply it and am carried away by distraction.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I maintain undistracted mindfulness.
Through previous bad karma I was born at the end of this dark age.
All I have done only results in suffering.
The bad influence of others has cast its shadow upon me.
My practice of virtue is overcome by the distractions of meaningless talk.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I can persevere in the holy Dharma.
At first, I thought of nothing but the Dharma.
But in the end, the results of my actions only cause further samsara and the lower realms.
The harvest of liberation is ravaged by the frost of nonvirtue.
Like a savage, I destroy what is of lasting value.
Guru think of me, regard me with compassion.
Grant your blessings so that I will follow the holy Dharma to completion.
Grant your blessings so that I give birth to deep sadness.
Grant your blessings so that I dispense with leisure and cut short preoccupations.
Grant your blessings so that I take to heart the certainty of death.
Grant your blessings so that conviction in karma arises in me.
Grant your blessings so that the path is free from obstacles.
Grant your blessings so that I am able to exert myself in practice.
Grant your blessings so that difficult situations are brought to the path.
Grant your blessings so that I continually apply remedies.
Grant your blessings so that genuine devotion is born in me.
Grant your blessings so that I meet the natural state.
Grant your blessings so that insight is awakened within my heart.
Grant your blessings so that I destroy confusion and projections.
Grant your blessings so that I attain Buddhahood in one lifetime.
Precious guru I supplicate you,
Kind Dharma lord, I cry out with longing,
Unfortunate though I am, my one hope is you.
Grant your blessings so that my mind mixes inseparably with yours.
***
I am posting this here with the aspiration that it benefit all beings, and that specifically someone may read it and find in the prayer something that opens their own mind and heart and brings them benefit. Also, I pray that I may soften my own mind and open my own heart to the truth of this supplication, and I give thanks to the guru, the Buddha, the precious Dharma, and the the sangha for the limitless blessings they have already bestowed upon me.
The one-armed man goes into the flower shop and says
What flower expresses
days go by
and they just keep going by endlessly
pulling you into the future
days go by
endlessly
endlessly pulling you
into the future?
And the florist says: “White Lily.”
-White Lily
Laurie Anderson
***
It’s difficult to express how the Dharma has shifted my relationship to everything I encounter. I want to take a moment to make an attempt at taking stock, because it’s really become the salient feature of my practice at the moment and I want to wrestle with it here. Mostly to see if I can take the measure of it, stake out some kind of map of the territory.
In the beginning I was kind of interested in the Dharma, you know, looking at it from the outside and thinking it was pretty cool. There was meditation, which seemed like a good thing, and there was this exotic flavor to everything that seemed like it might make me kind of special if I dressed myself up in it, it might be a way to stand out- not so that others would see me as special so much as I would see me as special. It might make me feel better- I could be spiritual and exotic, which would kind of prop up my always faltering ego. And you know, it might help with my crazy and my depression and my rageyness.
And I drifted along like that for a long time.
Then, for whatever reason, I got more serious. I think it’s because the pain I was experiencing in the world and in my head and heart just became more than I could bear and I thought I could get some relief there, kind of fix my mind a little bit. And then, due to sheer blind luck or the workings of karma or the benevolence of my teacher, the Sharmapa came to our tiny center when we were meeting in a conference room on a golf course, and gave a weekend teaching. I went, and at the end of the teaching, I took refuge, formally becoming a Buddhist.
For me, the experience was sudden and unexpected, but happy. I really did not understand the significance of what I’d done, or the significance of the manner in which it happened. I thought very much at the time that it was simply something I’d decided to do, to go attend this teaching, and once there, when refuge was offered, it seemed like a good idea to go, to do it, and here was this teacher from Tibet who was supposed to be the real deal, so why not?
Of course, from here the whole thing looks completely different to me. I’m so much more overwhelmed by my teacher’s benevolence and kindness in coming all that way and in scooping me up out of the ocean of samsara, bringing me into the Dharma in such a powerful way, in such a complete and perfect way. It feels very personal, but I know that it’s the opposite of personal. He wasn’t looking for me, not in that way. I was just one of the limitless beings he was intent on helping. And through some merit and good karma of my own, I managed to put myself in his way at the right moment. And I managed to take the leap- no one made me do that.
At least, I think I managed that on my own. I’m actually not sure about that.
And then I almost immediately went into the most difficult years of my life. I quit going to the center, I never really established a practice, and I fell (I thought) away from the path. I still read a lot of Dharma and studied and contemplated, but I didn’t practice and didn’t attend teachings. I was, at least in my own mind, alone. And these were the years of my daughter’s drug addiction and getting arrested and in and out of jails and rehabs and also the years of immersion in the meatiest years of my job, working SWAT and detectives in a very toxic environment. I look back on those years and it is as if everything was in flames the whole time, although I know that’s not actually how it was. It was actually just how it is now, which is just how it has always been. Everything is happening all the time, constantly. What determines our reality has more to do with how we see than it does with what we’re looking at. And at that time, I was seeing things through the eyes of a hell being. I was constantly under assault, under dire threats. My daughter was destroying everything in her path like the very embodiment of Lord Shiva, and our safe little life was in flames and at work people were trying to kill me and also there were bad guys trying to kill me and it was very fixed somehow. The suffering endured.
And then, somehow, almost ten years later, I got serious. I started practicing, went back to the center, and started attending retreats every chance I got. I dove in, hard, fast, completely.
And it took.
And now it’s been about three years. I found my teacher, and then lost him(although this loss has really been an immeasurable gain for me- a true teaching about what death is and how it did not diminish what he is in any way). I got a whole raft of teachers through him that keep me going now. I still seek out teachings wherever I can, and do as much retreat as possible. I practice with joy and as much diligence as I’m capable of. My whole world looks different to me- again, not because suddenly there’s no more pain, no more bad things, no more old age, sickness, and death- not that at all, but how I see and experience things has irretrievably shifted. And that makes my reality different from what it was. And also, I think that actually there are somewhat fewer bad things and somewhat more beautiful and good things, because I’m causing less harm now. I’m creating the causes and conditions for positive things- it’s not just a matter of a change in perspective.
And right now I feel like I’m moving into a little bit of a more mature phase of development. I’m losing a bit of the heat and passion that I got swept up in in the first couple of years of serious practice. I was like a teenager in love- very sincere, very devoted, but kind of over the top, too. A little too hungry for my teachers in a way that still was fueled by ego clinging and neediness, a little overeager, a little bit convinced of my own specialness as a Dharma student. Beginner’s error, and not at all a problem, but I see those traits fading now as I get down to the actual business of this path.
I see now that it’s not possible to leave the path, that whatever I do is the path. I can do it well or poorly, that’s it. And the choice is entirely mine. If I leave the dirty dishes in the sink, they will stay there for all time until I do them. I can have all kinds of games in which I relate to those dirty dishes- ignore them, drape a beautiful cloth over them, wall up the entire kitchen, move house, wait for my wife or my boss or the lady in line at the grocery store to do them- the possibilities are endless. But really, I simply have to get to it and do the washing up.
And that’s where the dishwasher finds himself today. Washing the dishes, right where he belongs.
***
May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be safe and cared for, and may you be of benefit to others.
Rest easy, brother. I’m sorry for what we did to you.
***
I guess I don’t believe in the chances of making a system where what we did to him just isn’t possible. I think it’s inevitable, given the numbers and given our human frailties.
Still. We should admit it when it happens.
I feel sick in my human soul for it.
***
I ran into someone at the store after work. She came up said hi, gave me a hug. She’s someone I used to arrest a lot back in the day. She said I saved her, in a way, said thanks for being who I was, how she always felt like I kind of gave a shit about her, that I didn’t just see a junkie. It was sweet. She’s real sick now, says she doesn’t have much time left.
You don’t know how you might be affecting things. You might sometimes do a small measure of good. It’s possible.
***
I got called out to the lobby today- in my job when there’s a “dangerous” person causing problems for the lady at the front desk, I’m the one they call. I’m on my way there, ready to go stomp a mud-hole in this guy, but I end up sitting with him in the lobby and in a minute he’s in tears and I’m handing him a box of tissues. He goes out like a lamb, thanking me.
***
You think I’m an exception, but I’m not. And you probably think I’d never be the guy who puts a bunch of bullets into some unarmed kid. But I could be that guy on the news tomorrow.
You just don’t know how things are going to shake out.
***
My Grandma is in the hospital again, fell and broke her hip. Second time in a year. She’s 93. I sat with her a while today, just trying to soak her in, be present, make her laugh a little bit.
I can see the fear in her eyes.
I guess it’s always a shock.
***
I’m glad to be here, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
My wife is convinced I’m turning queer (Not because I like boys now, but I have kind of gone from homophobic [I’m NOT afraid of them!] to, well, posting about gender reassignment surgery in a non-ironical way, and I can’t stop talking about Caitlyn Jenner?). The fact that I watched the video of that eleven year old girl singing her first love song and cried like a baby would only help make her point, I suppose.
You should go watch it.
I’ll wait right here.
***
***
See what I mean?
I went up to Reno over the weekend and visited the Wild Woman and her man and the grandkids. Yolie was already up there, took the Sportsmobile out for a spin after we put new brakes and shocks on it. There’s a ton of stuff to still do, but after our mechanic took a look at it and declared it in really amazing shape I feel sanguine about putting money into it to bring it up to a hunnert percent. I want to put in a super-beefy bullet-proof transmission before we start hauling the airstream around with it, but that should be the biggest dollar cost facing us in the short term.
Anyway, it was my first time going to visit the grandkids. WOOT! I was grinning like an idiot all the long seven hour drive up there. I don’t know that I’d ever been happier, having that sweet feeling of anticipation, knowing I’d be seeing those boys soon. It makes my heart all…thingy.
The planet up there is pretty awesome. The dark blue lake and the dark green trees and the river and the rocks and the show-offy skies and the air so clean and crisp. It makes all the cells in your body go, “Ahhhhh….”
But in the midst of all of the beauty and joy and love and happiness was interwoven this fearfulness and anxiety and terror and boredom and anger and bitterness. You know, I mean, we’re humans. We cry and crap our pants and throw fits and drink too much and want too much and lash out at each other- and then there’s the kids! The human condition contains all of these elements of suffering and they’re inextricable from us in a way. You’re happy because your kid is off drugs and married and has a job and then you’re terrified that it won’t last. You’re thrilled to see your grandchild but after hearing him scream for ten minutes all you want to do is go home. You want this, you don’t want that. You pull this toward you, you push that away. If you don’t crave it or hate it, you ignore it, like it doesn’t even exist.
For me, this path is working right now in a way that doesn’t make any of my suffering go away- (I think I’m not practicing enough) but i’m exquisitely aware of everything that’s happening in each moment- and even though I’m happy one minute and miserable the next, underneath those emotional storms there’s this sense of abiding joyfulness that permeates it all. I’m always of the verge of tears, or actually crying, and I’m constantly being swept by these chills that run through my whole body- the side effect of the numinous holy brushing against me, or sweeping through me.
I think the Vajrayana view has taken hold in me somehow. Everything I see is holy, holy, holy.
There’s a recognition that I like this or that, and don’t like this or that, or I’m ignorant of all this other stuff- but it’s all still holy beyond reckoning.
So, I watched this video as I had my morning coffee:
*
I admit I’m kind of a sucker, but I’ve rarely been moved so deeply by the courage that these two people showed in trying to become themselves. Just trying to be who they really knew they were.
I cried like a baby, like a sad little baby. I am so proud of them, and so proud of all of you who face incredible odds and fight the world just so you can be who you are.
You go, girl. Boy. Girl-boy. Whatever.
***
Sgt. Henry Johnson of the 369th Infantry Regiment was awarded the French Croix de Guerre for bravery while outnumbered during a battle with German soldiers, Feb. 12, 1919.
Then there was this guy. Hard bark on him. He and his buddy were manning a forward observation post, just the two of them, when a German raiding party of twelve soldiers overran their position in the middle of the night. They were both shot and blown up by hand grenades, but Private Johnson jumped up and killed two of the Germans and fought off the others in hand to hand combat despite being wounded 21 times. When reinforcements arrived all Henry said was “take care of my buddy, he’s hurt bad.”
Different kind of heroism, the kind I’m more used to getting worked up about.
He was awarded the Croix de Guerre by the French but the Americans didn’t think that it was cool for the brothers to get recognition. When he agitated for a pension for his war wounds, the army drummed him out.
President Obama (I can’t help it, I love writing that) awarded him the Medal of Honor today.
***
Last night I watched Frontline, a special with Dr. Atul Gawande on dying, on how dying is something that our system is really dreadful at working with. I got to watch the stories of these beautiful people, scared and facing the end, and then dying, and how hard it was to navigate the whole thing. It was stunning to watch. Holy and terrible.
I told Yolie how on my run at lunch yesterday I was struck by being out there on the trails and I said to myself, “I really want to die outside. That’s what I want.”
I hope I can manage that. Not that I’m in any hurry. Just, you know, I wanna be outside.
Dr. Gawande shared the story of his own father’s death from cancer, too, and how hard they all worked to make sure that his dad had things the way he wanted during his last months. After he died, Dr. Gawande honored his father’s last wishes by taking him to Varanasi to be cremated and spread his ashes in the river Ganges.
Just seeing that place again, even on TV, made my whole body light up with the memory of my time there. By far the holiest place I’ve been on this earth- every cell in your body responds to it- even the birds and the fish seem affected by it.
I would love to be burned and thrown into the river there, but it’s not really my culture so I won’t, but it sure seems better than Forest Lawn or sitting on a fireplace mantel somewhere.
Just take me outside where it’s wild and leave me go. Light me on fire, chop me up and feed me to the buzzards, wrap me in a sheet and bury me under a tree, toss me overboard, give me a Viking funeral, whatever. Pour me a drink and have one or two for yourselves, say some prayers, cry a little bit, laugh, say something nice, call it a day.
Look for signs in the sky.
***
I’ve never felt so buzzed in my life. The intoxication of impending freedom is overwhelming my predisposition for nervous anxiety and funk. I watch these stories of people dying, having gender reassignment surgery, fighting off the huns, and I know that I am all of them, have always been. It’s just an illusion that I’m this separate thing, this old man who thinks he’s a cop on the verge of retirement. I’m everyone who has ever lived or ever will live, and I am the son or daughter of everyone who has ever lived or ever will live. I am all creatures, great and small. I am that I am. I am pure Buddha nature and I am my obscurations and I live in a universe that is made by love and compassion and wisdom and awareness and in it I am an engine of universal love and compassion and I am having a hell of a good time at it and there is nothing that is not sacred nor can there be.
***
Namaste, you Princes of Maine, you Kings of New England!
The Dishwasher's Tears 