This picture is a lie.
But it gets at something about me, like all good lies should do.
Today I had the strangest visit from a guy I had not seen for twenty-six years. My old college roommate. He did some internet search for my house, then drove around my small town looking for people who knew me. Finding a cop in a small town takes, on average, about five minutes.
“Oh, he lives over there, behind the really tall hedge that runs across the whole property. Can you see all the skulls on pikes? That’s him.”
I love the guy, but I kept waiting for him to tell me he needed my kidney, or ten thousand dollars, or something.
You can’t even get at how fucked up a human being I am.
There is not yet a language sufficient for it.
Last night I was mean and drunk.
I swear to god.
If I could take myself out back and kick my own ass, I would.
All of you gathered around the fire here, you should flee.
What is that Daniel Day Lewis said in his last movie?
“There will be blood.”
do not mistake me for a kind man. do not mistake me for a buddha or a sweet presbyterian preacher.
i am a miscreant.
I am a bowl of snakes and barbed wire.
Sometimes my heart of battery acid and bile burns the beejesus out of people I mean no ill will toward.
What good is this bliss-turned face? I am yet bad flawed and deadly in my meanness.
I would stand in a circle of fire and sweep my blade at all of you.
Weeping. Moaning with a godawful noise.
Mewling like the mortally injured, begging for the sweet release of death.
Well, I don’t imagine right now I am fit for human companionship.
Which is how it is some times.
there are times I would snuff out the candle of the world.
But I am yet inclined toward goodness.
I yet love, with my bitter heart.
I forgive myself my sins as I forgive that motherfucker who yet rains down despair and misery upon the innocent and guilty alike.
We are all worthy and unworthy, just the same.