*






I got the anxity.






*







Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi would tell me it is because I’m not autotelic enough. My goals and aspirations are externally motivated, and I have not jettisoned these artificial goals for intrinsic goals of my own that allow me to experience flow states in my everyday activities.




Maybe he’s right.






*


Anxiety and a melancholic moodiness seem to be hard-wired into me. I don’t know why, and perhaps it is silly to try to eliminate them, or even alleviate them in any way.




I should accept them, I suppose.




*






Unless they are, like Csikszentmihaliyi asserts, symptomatic of a kind of failure on my part to live a truly engaged and authentic life. 






*
















I dig my rut a little deeper every day.






*


Maybe it’s enough that I try to handle my failures with a little grace. 






Maybe not.






*




namaste.






***