This is pretty much how I feel all the time now.
Again and again I am learning that it’s never what is that is the problem, it’s what I think about what is, or what I think about what might be, or what I think about what might not be. Right now things are moving so fast and yet at the same time we’re stuck. I feel stuck. And I feel like I’m in free-fall. Encased in concrete so I can’t move, but then thrown off a cliff!
We have put the house on the market at last, and I’ve put in my papers to retire. We’re getting rid of stuff every day, and fixing endless little things around the house, and keeping it spic and span from stem to stern. And letting strangers in to poke around. And signing endless forms, and filling out endless forms. Getting a mail service set up and changing our residency to Florida. Getting our health insurance figured out. Changing banks. Getting our daughter and grandkids moved again- the fourth time in three months? Money flows through my hands like water and I just watch it go.
Still trying to find our Airstream, looking at rigs in Colorado, New Mexico, Northern California, Georgia, you name it.
Every few hours I find myself on the verge of a panic attack, or deep in one. Heart racing, mind racing, incomplete tasks multiplying around me like the brooms in the sorcerers apprentice, driving me mad with anxiety and fear and the looming collapse of all of our dreams. And every few hours I’m buoyantly happy, pleased with all we’ve managed to do so far and thrilled at the prospect of eventually having all of this in our rear-view mirror as we pull out onto the open road and into the life that awaits us.
I’m proud of myself for getting this far, for uprooting myself from the earth I’ve clung to so stubbornly all these years. I landed here and dug in like a tick- my wife has always said that I will die in this house, and that it would take a load of dynamite to blast my ass out. Of course, I wouldn’t be doing any of this if it weren’t for her vision and her courage- she’s had the scent of the open road in her nose forever, and now, at last, I’m ready to go with her.
I’m reminded of the beginning of our time together, when we bought a boat and quit our jobs and tried the live-aboard life. It was a complete disaster- I didn’t know how to sail and we were broke as shit and our tiny boat was a wreck- but our dreams were sweet and intoxicating, and we tried hard to make a go of it. So in a way, we’re going back to our roots after twenty odd years of “normal” life.
It’s difficult to live in this in-between state where everything is dismantled- some things getting moreso, some going in the other direction. Everything is jumbled and in flux and uncertain, and every day is an endless stream of decisions to be made and actions to take and it’s all crazymaking. We both long to lie down with a book and a drink and lay about on the sofa- but when we do we’re both anxious about a million different things that still need to happen or we pray don’t happen.
So, good practice ground for letting go. For remembering that we don’t control what happens. For giving it our best and then letting go of the outcome. For finding those moments of peace within the chaos. For tending to ourselves and each other with compassion and understanding and spaciousness.
And for eating our livers.
In other news, I posted last time about something bad happening and you guys just blew me away with your love and support.
I love you guys!
And it’s not maybe as bad as it seemed at first. It might even just be shitty, and difficult, for a while, and not the end of the world or anything.
Good on that.
Life is upside down right now, and I daydream a lot about how great it’s going to be when I’m retired and hanging out with old girl out in the middle of BFE, sitting around a fire under the wild blazing stars with no internet, no phone service, no obligations- just companionable silence and wildness and openness and us and planet earth and no where to go and nothing to do and nothing to be but ourselves.
Of course I know that there’s really no difference between those two states- it isn’t really the external conditions that matter.
Except maybe they do matter, a little bit.
I think it’s worth exploring and finding out.
Big love to everyone!