Girl on bridge with Bunnyman

***

I read Hony and it makes a door into my heart, then swings that door wide open. Everyone comes in and makes themselves at home, which is all I really want. I watch the video of Samuel DuBose getting shot in the face for trying to drive away from a stupid traffic stop and what do you say about that? And then this morning I hear about Sean Bolton, a Memphis police officer and Iraq war vet getting murdered on a simple traffic stop by a guy on parole for bank robbery, and I wonder if Bolton hesitated a second, you know? Instead of getting it on. I don’t know, I doubt it, but the thought crossed my mind. I don’t want to get dead because I am worried about the media shit-storm if I shoot someone who’s trying to ice me. Not that that’s going to happen, right? No, it won’t happen because I’m a nice police.

Uh huh.

I hear about that dentist going all the way to Africa to murder a perfectly good lion with a bow and arrow and botching the job and having to shoot it dead after following a blood trail for 40 hours and I’m just kind of astounded. Then the circus that blows up over that. We can get so mad that way, when it’s easy to call the shot. I mean, I think the guy’s a dick, too. But we’re so offended.

Like we’re the good guys.

Shit, we’d eat him alive on the intertubes and make his kids watch it. To make our point.

I watched that little video on the NYT about Cops Vs. Copwatch and that made me uncomfortable, too. Yeah they are taking it to the streets, taking it to the man, but then you see them drinking and getting high and mocking and instigating and poking at the cops and it doesn’t seem so clean. It’s mixed up. The good is mixed, and the bad is mixed, and the people doing it all are mixed, too. The cops are dicks. The copwatch guys are dicks. The cops are doing something important. So are the copwatch guys. You watch me, and I’ll watch you. You do something wrong, I’ll point it out to the world, and you do the same for me.

That’s a kind of support, I guess.

There was a quote in that segment that really struck me, and it was this voice over as the camera was panning the street in front of some buildings and the guy was saying how they don’t need cops, how they can protect their own children, they can make their own neighborhoods safe…and I thought, yeah, that’s something there. Maybe if that was going on there wouldn’t need to be cops. Imagine we all just walked around with our cellphones recording everything all the time. Everyone. Everyone has a body cam and a lapel mike and a little UAV circling overhead recording everything. Then when there’s a crime, you just upload the video, the internet figures out who the criminal is, and then we all go about destroying their lives.

Full time blood sport reality tv.

We become big brother so big brother doesn’t have to even show up to work anymore.

In a little while, we’ll all be on our best behavior.

*

I guess I always have this small approach. A big set of blinders. I try to do what I can with what’s right in front of me, but I’m not showing up at any protests or marches. I’m not signing your petition. I am as uncomfortable with your aggression as I am with the folks you are mad at. It all makes me sick.

*

I guess we think it takes courage to confront the bad in people and to try to force them into changing. I guess it does.

I think about my old boxer, Cash, and how he’d get all worked up and I’d have to just hold him down, just restrain him in my arms until he kind of reset. Then I could let him go and he’d be fine.

I just want to hold everyone down for a minute, you know?

“Stop it.”

“Take a deep breath already.”

“Now, put away the stick, tell your little brother you’re sorry, and play nice. You can have ice cream later if you’re good.”

Of course, I don’t get to do that to other people.

But I can do it to myself.

And I do.

***

Look, I’m sorry the world is so fucked up. I’m sorry we keep killing the babies and the toddlers and the nine-year-olds and your mommies and your daddies. We are fucked up. We’re just trying to make things right, or make them bearable , or make them safe, or make them correct, or make them in our image, or to eradicate all those who engage in wrong thinking.

I know it looks messy, but trust me, it’s for the best.

***

So, I will engage by trying to love everyone. Everyone. Without exception. Without changing them or asking anything of them at all. I will wish them all to be happy and safe and kind and good and I will pledge myself to do what I can where I am and not worry about the outcome.

I don’t know what the fuck else to do.

***

Namaste.

***

Advertisements