My wife is convinced I’m turning queer (Not because I like boys now, but I have kind of gone from homophobic [I’m NOT afraid of them!] to, well, posting about gender reassignment surgery in a non-ironical way, and I can’t stop talking about Caitlyn Jenner?). The fact that I watched the video of that eleven year old girl singing her first love song and cried like a baby would only help make her point, I suppose.
You should go watch it.
I’ll wait right here.
See what I mean?
I went up to Reno over the weekend and visited the Wild Woman and her man and the grandkids. Yolie was already up there, took the Sportsmobile out for a spin after we put new brakes and shocks on it. There’s a ton of stuff to still do, but after our mechanic took a look at it and declared it in really amazing shape I feel sanguine about putting money into it to bring it up to a hunnert percent. I want to put in a super-beefy bullet-proof transmission before we start hauling the airstream around with it, but that should be the biggest dollar cost facing us in the short term.
Anyway, it was my first time going to visit the grandkids. WOOT! I was grinning like an idiot all the long seven hour drive up there. I don’t know that I’d ever been happier, having that sweet feeling of anticipation, knowing I’d be seeing those boys soon. It makes my heart all…thingy.
The planet up there is pretty awesome. The dark blue lake and the dark green trees and the river and the rocks and the show-offy skies and the air so clean and crisp. It makes all the cells in your body go, “Ahhhhh….”
But in the midst of all of the beauty and joy and love and happiness was interwoven this fearfulness and anxiety and terror and boredom and anger and bitterness. You know, I mean, we’re humans. We cry and crap our pants and throw fits and drink too much and want too much and lash out at each other- and then there’s the kids! The human condition contains all of these elements of suffering and they’re inextricable from us in a way. You’re happy because your kid is off drugs and married and has a job and then you’re terrified that it won’t last. You’re thrilled to see your grandchild but after hearing him scream for ten minutes all you want to do is go home. You want this, you don’t want that. You pull this toward you, you push that away. If you don’t crave it or hate it, you ignore it, like it doesn’t even exist.
For me, this path is working right now in a way that doesn’t make any of my suffering go away- (I think I’m not practicing enough) but i’m exquisitely aware of everything that’s happening in each moment- and even though I’m happy one minute and miserable the next, underneath those emotional storms there’s this sense of abiding joyfulness that permeates it all. I’m always of the verge of tears, or actually crying, and I’m constantly being swept by these chills that run through my whole body- the side effect of the numinous holy brushing against me, or sweeping through me.
I think the Vajrayana view has taken hold in me somehow. Everything I see is holy, holy, holy.
There’s a recognition that I like this or that, and don’t like this or that, or I’m ignorant of all this other stuff- but it’s all still holy beyond reckoning.
I’m blasted open.