So, shot competitive pistol match on Saturday, trained ten hours with SWAT on Sunday, and hit a house on a dope warrant yesterday.
That’s as good as it gets for me.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this side of me, this thing that is not about police work, it’s not about the law, not about shooting well, being fast and accurate….it’s something deeper, more primitive. It is the urge toward violence and the seeking out of danger. It is the predatory, aggressive, hard-bark tough guy thing.
You feel it when you’re in that group of other hard men, suiting up in the dark in some parking lot somewhere a few miles from your target, gear checking, weapons check, that roll of the head to get the kinks out of your neck, the clean bite of adrenaline and epinephrine, norepinephrine, just a little bump of it that makes the world come alive and makes you feel all switched on.
There’s this feeling of competency, of mastery, that is very powerful. A feeling of brotherhood and camaraderie that is, without doubt, one of the most beautiful and noble things a man can feel. I love looking around at the others with me and knowing that these kind and smart and funny and wonderful guys will turn on this thing inside them if it should go wrong and they will become implacable machines bent on the destruction of what would harm me, or any one of us, or some innocent.
That they would kill to protect me. That they would do what is asked or die in the effort.
And in my world these men are unremarkable. I marvel and rejoice at it. It is one of the very best things about this calling, to keep company with them.
It is an honor and a blessing.
Perhaps I am unworthy of it. Perhaps I am only a pretender, working through some deep-seated issues of insecurity and inferiority that only seeks to play at warrior to soothe my fragile ego and bolster a weak sense of self.
But I don’t believe that to be true.
I think, instead, that I merely sought out a place and a role where this ancient and powerful urge could find an outlet, an integration with the rest of my being, so that I could feel whole and alive. I am a big hearted man. I love art and beauty and good food and all of the comforts and indulgences of the sweet and soft life. I really do. But that alone would not suffice. That alone would leave me only half of a man, perhaps less than half.
Yin and yang. Soft and hard. Black and white, hot and cold. “The duality of man”, as Private Joker said.
I relish it.
I really do.