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It feels like this sometimes.
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You are up against it.
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I am happy to have my wife home. It is my kid’s birthday this weekend and I have to run off to some prison and collect some DNA and try to interview this guy who won’t talk to me in a hundred years and I’d just as soon not.
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I had coffee with a couple of guys this morning. We all used to be on the SWAT team, one of them still is, and he was talking story about whatever. This warrant, that warrant. This happened, that happened. This guy did this, the other guy did that, I did this, the bad guy…
It makes me sad not to have that in my life.
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I like kicking doors. 
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I miss it.
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I sometimes wish I was a warrior, and I aspired to it and still do in some ways, and I got close to it. I did. But I am also too lazy and too soft and too easy on myself to really be one of those guys. I can hang around the edges of it, but I somehow missed the boat. I know guys who I think really walk the walk, and they are few. 
I mean, I could put a hurt on you, and I’m game for almost anything. I’m no wimp. 
But the guys who really live it…
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My wife thinks, no, she knows I’m crazy when it comes to this subject. Shit, I know it.
There’s a part of me that knows it. 
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Part of me says fuck it, let’s hit the door.
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Namaste.
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