I can’t seem to get traction on my mood. I am happy about working again, but my wife tells me she has noticed a big change in me- uglier, eating badly, tense, moody, etc. And I feel it, too. I feel a darkness that seeps into me whenever I stop moving. I crave a drink all the time. I am unable to relax or to really be myself.
Unless this really is me.
When I am working the case, there is nothing I’d rather be doing. It is intoxicating, addictive.
When I can’t work, I jones for it.
Often I tell myself that what I am doing matters. It means something to somebody that I catch the guy that killed these women. It means something to me.
Just as often, I realize it doesn’t matter all that much after all.
I like Jack Gilbert and Alan Dugan alot and right now their mood suits mine just fine.
Cantankerous. Self-absorbed. A little infantile. Greedy. Demanding.
Looking for a good fight.
Stunned and light-headed with love for their women, for good food, and for light. Structure.
The bones of the world.
I want to clear this case.