This week we had the Denny’s shooting, three dead, two injured. Also, a friend of mine got a grazing wound to the neck in a shoot-out, and another guy I work with killed a guy. I just got off a four-hour standoff with a barricaded man with a shotgun and an AR-15. We had a major set-back on the homicide case I’ve been working. Oh, a meth lab on Tuesday, too.
It’s been crazy.
I called my wife from the standoff to tell her I couldn’t pick her up from work. I could tell she was pissed. Since I’m off the SWAT team, I wasn’t supposed to be doing this stuff anymore, but I can’t seem to convince her that we don’t get to pick and choose what we go on.
I know she just hates it.
Aaron was telling me about coming home after the Denny’s shooting, knee deep in dead people, and having to compete with his wife on who had the worst day. She won. She’s a forensic interviewer for sexually abused children.
I was standing there this afternoon, peeking out from behind a fence, pointing an AR-15 at the window where the bad guy was waving his shotgun and saying he’d never be taken alive, and all I could think about was how glad I was to be there.
Same kind of feeling I had coming back into the bureau last week.
In the game.
I really am trying to get out of the game. I got promoted. Got off the SWAT team. Sitting a desk, the whole shebang.
I know it’s time to put this behind me, leave it for the young guys coming up.
You get a taste for it, though, and it’s hard to shake. If you don’t love it, you hate it. But if you don’t hate it, there’s nothing else like it.
Blah, blah, blah.
What I don’t want to do is come across as some kind of bullshit thrill jockey. It isn’t the thrill, exactly. I don’t know…it’s a kind of focus, like the best, deepest centered meditative state. Everything small and unimportant falls away, and this wonderful clarity settles over everything…
It does have to do with knowing that everything is fragile.
And so, so beautiful.
It is good to be alive.